Wednesday, July 8, 2015

My Identity At Stake ???


My Identity At Stake ???

By Forrest W. Schultz

 

     When I learned from my grandpa’s will that he had left a message for me in his (now my) safe deposit box I immediately was reminded of that scene in The Bourne Identity where the amnesiac Bourne goes to his safe deposit box to learn about his past – to find out who he is. That is, I wondered whether there was something which had happened to me or which pertained to me which I was unaware of, which would be disclosed to me by the message from my grandpa in the safe deposit box. The lawyer had made an appointment for me with the lady at the bank who is in charge of safe deposit boxes, and, after I left, I drove straight to the bank, arriving right on time for the appointment.

     I was immediately ushered into Miss Anderson’s office. It was SO good to see her again – it had been a while. She was like a grandma to me, and – if truth be told -- I liked her even better than my real grandmas! We took some time getting caught up, and how delightful that was! Finally, our chat was over and we attended to the business at hand.

     As we went down to the basement, where the safe deposit boxes are located, I confided to her my concern about what my grandpa’s letter to me might disclose. She both tried to allay my fears and also said to me, with a twinkle in her eye, that maybe something exciting would be contained in his message to me. At last the moment arrived: we inserted our keys, I opened the box, Miss Anderson left the room, and I sat down at one of the tables. In the box was a large envelope on which these words were printed: DO NOT OPEN THIS ENVELOPE!!! IF YOU DO SO, YOU WILL SURELY DIE !!!

     I sat there stupefied when suddenly out of nowhere there appeared a tall woman with gun in hand wearing a Hillary Clinton mask who told me to hand her the envelope! I was so shocked and scared I obeyed her at once. She then told me to remain seated, which I did. And then she went over to another table where she sat down, looked at the envelope, laughed, opened it, and dropped dead, making a very loud noise.

     Miss Anderson heard it and re-entered the room. I was so panicky I was barely able to tell her what had happened. She told me to stay seated while she telephoned the police. They took only a few minutes to arrive, since the police station is only a block away.

 

-1-

 

 

 

     It only took a few minutes for the detective to interview me and Miss Anderson and for the coroner to pronounce the woman dead (of a heart attack).  When her fingerprints and photograph were uploaded into the computer, no match was found. The detective told us he was taking a hair sample to send off for DNA testing to see if her identity could be determined that way. Nothing more was discussed, and before they left the detective told us he had heard of banks robbed by people wearing masks of Presidents, but never of one by a robber wearing the mask of someone RUNNING for President!

     One thing I did not tell either Miss A or the detective was the warning I had seen on the outside of the envelope. The reason I did not do so is that the warning is no longer there!!! This whole thing is weird enough without having to talk of any more weirdness! Another strange thing is that the envelope is not sealed! And there is NOTHING inside!!  When I told Miss A how puzzled I was at what had happened, she replied that (with a twinkle in her eye) that she knew someone who might be able to explain it – her niece Mandy, who enjoys solving puzzles like this,  and in playing tricks like this on people.  Maybe, mused Miss A, Mandy had something to do with it, because when she was here recently she spent a lot of time with my Grandpa.  Miss A then invited me to have supper with her where Mandy will be present, which would give me the opportunity to chat with her. 

     I accepted her gracious offer, and, a few hours hence, at that supper (and afterward) I had a long chat with Mandy.  She revealed to me that she and my grandpa and the masked women and the policeman and coroner planned it all.  The masked woman, who was suffering from an incurable cancer, used this device as a way of masking her suicide.  And Mandy and my Grandpa planned the thing as a way to get me and Mandy together so we would fall in love and get married, which, indeed, is what happened:  very rapidly after Mandy’s revelations I was soooo smitten with her, I did not hesitate to do so or to go along with Grandpa’s plan whereby we would live in the house he bequeathed to me and to, together with Mandy, run the business he owned in town.

     And, in so doing, I DID find my identity!!  Mandy and I did not always live HAPPILY ever after, but we always lived INTERESTINGLY ever after!!  I shall not provide here the details of exactly how Mandy and my Grandpa hatched and carried out their plot.  For those details see the Appendix.  Just kidding, there is no appendix – why not try to figure out for yourself just how they did it!

 

Grantville, Georgia

July 8, 2015

 

 

-2-

Monday, July 6, 2015

The Water Hose Snake


The  Water  Hose  Snake

By  Forrest  W.  Schultz

 

     I did not WRITE any stories before 1986, but long before that I COMPOSED stories in my mind, some of which I TOLD to others.  One of these I told to my sons when they were boys while I was taking a walk with them in the woods when we lived in Riverdale.

     The story came to me while we were nearing a large pile of trash someone had dumped into the woods.  In this pile was a garden hose.  As one of my boys was walking toward it, I shouted to him, ”Do NOT pick that up!   That is a water hose snake.  It is camoflouged to look just like a water hose.  It lies completely still until someone comes and picks it up.  Then, before you  know what is happening, it suddenly bites you!  Its bite is so poisonous that you die right after being bitten!!”

     At first he stopped and looked really scared.  Then I laughed and said I was just kidding.

     Then, several weeks later when one of his cousins was visiting and joined us on one of our walks,  my son then played the same trick on him!

     I also made up a story about a pipe monster which supposedly lived in those large pipes found underneath roads used to channel runoff water.

     A week ago, at his request, I promised my son Johnny, who is now a middle aged man,  that I would write down some memories of the days of his childhood, beginning with this one about the water hose snake.

 

Grantville, GA

July 6, 2015